Hey -
Its been a minute! I feel like I've started all my emails that way for the last 2 years.
I've wanted to reach out but it just felt so big.
Ok bare with me; references to myself in the 3rd person incoming….but I find myself here with Nicola BD (Before Divorce) and Nicola AD (After Divorce).
I'm smiling at the biblical style referencing, maybe you use it to denote big life shifts that have unreservedly changed you too. There is the after 'you' who has lived through the thing and emerges on the other side with all the wounds, wisdom and where-with-all it had to offer.
I spent a lot of time alluding to the old and new me but it was tinged with self-criticism. I've now moved into a place of before/after and pre/post which lends itself beautifully to embodying where we now land as the present version of ourselves.
So, here I am.
I wanted to be able to come into your inbox with a fully formed and future focussed plan to present to you. But the honest response is, I don't know. Whilst I'm mostly ok with that fact, what I'm less okay with is that in the waiting, perfectionism spawns reason after reason to not show-up resulting in talking me out of saying anything at all.
And to be honest, I'm just not willing to let that hold me back anymore. I didn't come this far to just come this far are words that have circled my orbit over the last few years.
In a bid to get me started I'm going to use these weekly notes to share a bit from the Behind-The-Scenes. What I'm up to, the insights I'm having, the work I'm doing, the plans I'm making and maybe even the fun I'm having…. but we'll keep it all PG of course ; ). Jokes aside. When I think of the newsletters I love to read, its the storytelling, the musings, its the life lessons weaved into authentic sharing which gives space for universal themes which speak to the shared experience of fellow humans who occupy similar life stages, contexts and perspectives.
In an extract from the Nicola AD chapter, there are 2 tales from the other side that I simply did.not.expect to be telling.
- I'm struggling to dream.
Life is good. Of course, its not tribulation-free. But it.is.good. I'm settling into this new chapter and learning + unlearning. Having been in such a challenging place, I am now living the 'big dream' I had held for the last 2 years. I have security in my living situation as my children and I remain in the former family home, they are regulated and doing well with the routine, my work is sustainable and incoming, I feel a growing grounded sense of confidence and self as I too am able to regulate my own nervous system into this new-found peace.
This is the rhythm I dreamed of and so stretching beyond it is a slow dance into what lies beyond something that already feels a little magical.
- I'm no longer using fear and anxiety as rocket fuel.
Survival mode sucks AND its also a fking good motivator to get sht done. From the fear of failing being an instigator of good grades at school to fear of royally messing up my life being a motivator for dutifully ticking off the societal checklist of 'what you need-to-have in order to be happy' i.e. go to uni, get a good job, bag a man, marry said man, buy a house, have kids…tick tick tick.
Then having started to question said checklist as the pressure of the ever-increasing tiny paper-cuts piled up until they collided and culminated into one big decision to systematically teardown and dismantle what had been.
I'm no longer in survival mode.
For the first time I can truly witness it for what it is and I no longer want to knowingly opt into it. I have neither the enthusiasm nor energy to support that way of being.
At some point in 2023, the knowing that what got me here will not and cannot get me there fell into my consciousness. Whilst I do not know where there is (yet) hence the renewing of big dreams I am laying a solid foundation for healthy relating…, with self, with other humans, with my children, my work and the world at large.
I have more to say on everything I have written in this note. What I can share about my plans is that my vision is for my new podcast and Substack to be a place to be able to explore these 'lovenote themes' in more depth. Drawing out the lessons that you can take for your own beautiful existence as well as me putting on my coaching hat a little straighter and offering deeper exploration and further support.
