Make Him Yours - How To Attract & Keep The Man You Want
Make Him Yours - How To Attract & Keep The Man You Want

Are You Sabotaging Your Chances With Him?

Email sent: Mar 12, 2021 7:33pm

Hey -,

Have you ever felt pressure to hold an important boundary (with yourself or a man) – and caved?

Or found yourself picking fights with a partner over petty things.

Or maybe if you hit a rough patch, and fell back to a story about how you always knew it was doomed to fail.

All of these patterns – big and small -- hint at self-sabotage in a relationship.

Recently, I explored with a few of my clients how self-sabotage can hold us back. For many women, uncovering their inner saboteur is the first step to rewriting the limiting beliefs that are stopping them from being their best self. You might be thinking, But if I didn’t choose to be like this, where did my saboteur come from? Saboteur patterns originate in our early childhood. Biologically, the human brain is designed to scan the environment and adapt so we can endure whatever difficulties arise.

For example, if we learned our primary care provider was rarely around, or focused on a sibling significantly more than us, we can’t have our asses be sad all the time. So we adapt. In this instance, the adaption is to lower our expectations. This protects our nervous system from constant sadness (cos that’s no way to live) so we can keep on keeping on.

This allows us to survive in the short term, but this ‘safe zone’ (free from disappointment) then becomes our home. Having our needs be met = dangerous, having no needs = safe.

And who wants to go where it’s dangerous?

So over time, this pattern, assuming it’s reinforced often enough, becomes our adult reality. Our nervous system keeps us there to keep us safe. Which is actually pretty darn noble.

So, saboteurs protect us from physical and emotional dangers -- both real and imagined.

By the way, even if you had an idyllic childhood, life can still present challenges that you developed saboteurs to manage. Maybe you had a sibling who was the troublemaker and pulled more than their share of your parents’ attention. Maybe your incredibly caring parents said with the best intentions “The only person you can truly rely on is yourself – so empower yourself!” and you took that to mean “Being alone = safety and strength.” Or, if it’s significant enough, it could simply be the time your teacher called you to the white board in class and you failed spectacularly at the grid of verb conjugations in front of you. Truth is, no one gets out of childhood without some scars. And so, deep inside in the recesses of your subconscious, you vowed to protect yourself so awful things like that wouldn't happen again.

One client recognized the hyper-vigilant saboteur inside: “Even if I like a guy, I’m always thinking about what could wrong and assuming something probably will go wrong. Then when something does, I kind of blow it out of proportion. The only way to guard against the worst is – well, to be prepared for it!”

This negativity bias and a generalized sense of distrust had already driven at least one partner away. Her saboteur informed her perspective on the world but she didn’t realize it was a distortion. Our Saboteurs -- the Avoider, the Controller, the Hyper-Achiever, the Pleaser, and all the others -- were the guardians who helped us keep a sense of control in painful situations.

If your saboteur is causing you to get in your own way, first try to understand exactly what’s triggering it and when. Where, specifically does your saboteur act, and what does it do?

Once you get that, understand what it’s attempting to do on your behalf. Knowing how the sabotage keeps you safe and owning this fact out loud takes away a ton of its power. Tell a friend, a coach, or even the guy you’re dating that this is something you’re working on (you’ll be amazed at the power of this)

Finally, it’s time to get out of that ol’ comfort zone and enter the “danger” zone. When that points hit where the saboteur kicks in, you must consciously choose the new healthy action or habit, and sit with the incredibly uncomfortable emotion (usually fear) that goes with it.

By consistently doing this – quite literally, get out of your comfort (safety) “zone” you’ll show your nervous system that those beautiful adaptions it used to save you as a kid are no longer necessary.

If you’re interested in working with me as a client and really transforming this stuff, you can fill out the form.

Mark x

Profile Image Mark Rosenfeld
Make Him Yours
[email protected]
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Make Him Yours Power Street Norman Park, Queensland 4170 Australia

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