AN INTIMATE LOOK AT 69'ING

And also maybe a safe sex campaign?

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Is this your brand on Milled? Claim it.

And also maybe a safe sex campaign?
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Injured

6 in 9 Americans will sustain a serious sex injury at some point in their lives.*

*probably. I dunno.

Pit Viper is committed to changing that statistic.

The most dangerous sex positions according to a 2017 article published by the International Journal of Impotence Research are:

Doggy Style

DOGGY STYLE:
41% of Penile Fractures

Missionary

MISSIONARY:
25% of Penile Fractures

Doggy Style
Missionary

DOGGY STYLE:
41% of Penile Fractures

MISSIONARY:
25% of Penile Fractures

After that it's....

normal cowgirl?

Okay, okay. None of these facts are lining up with the point I'm trying to make.

On today of all days, 69ing is an especially popular choice. Experts like us estimate that there will be approximately 7.674 billion acts of 69ing on June 9th alone.

Since no one else is willing to warn about the potential dangers of 69ing, it is up to us, Pit Viper, to do the dirty work. But first-

A Not So Brief History of 69ing

The concept of simultaneous oral sex has been around since before the dawn of the human race, probably. There has yet to be substantial evidence, but I could easily see some monkeys getting their freak on at some point.

The earliest "cOnFirmEd" depiction of the 69 appears on a few clay Roman oil lamps, one of which now hangs in the Munich Museum. If any of our Deutsch freunden can go take a picture of this and send it to [email protected], I will will be greatly indebted to you.

Somewhere between 400 BC and 200 Not BC, Indian philosopher and absolute legend Vatsyayna wrote a manuscript known as The Kamasutra. Yeah, you know the one. In this book, he describes a position in which a couple "lie down in an inverted order, with the head of the one towards the feet of the other and carry on in this congress." He dubs this position: "The Congress of a Crow."

However, it wasn't until a fateful night around 1790 that the act was dubbed "69ing". At some point during the French Revolution, Théroigne de Méricour is credited with writing a piece called The Whore's Catechisms in which he used the term soixante neuf - French for sixty-nine. 

The term "69" only grew in popularity and power in the centuries that followed. Fast forward to 1984, when Bryan Adams sang "Summer of '69," in which he and the song's co-write Adam Vallance definitely knew what they were doing.

NICE

Okay, so that was a lot of history. It may or may not have been a ploy to take up most of this email. But damn, it was interesting, right?

We want to clarify that all of us here at Pit Viper strongly support the act of 69ing
There is no denying that it is an intimate act with an even more intimate history.

However, VERTICAL 69ing is an absolute MESS. No one has ever actually enjoyed a standing 69, and that's a boner fide fact.  

That's why today we are rolling out our official statement on 69ing:

horizontal 69

HORIZONTAL 69ING:
OKAY

vertical 69

VERTICAL 69ING:
FOR EXPERTS ONLY

69
vertical 69

HORIZONTAL 69ING:
OKAY

VERTICAL 69ING:
FOR EXPERTS ONLY

One should ALWAYS wear a helmet while performing inverted sex acts. If you choose to engage in vertical 69ing today, please wear protection.

Safe sexing and HAPPY 6/9

xoxo Pit Viper

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Pit Viper 159 W Haven Ave Salt Lake City, UT 84115

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