Important Information About Your Stimulus Check

From Pit Viper. Not the government. Cool your jets, bud.

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From Pit Viper. Not the government. Cool your jets, bud.
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International Butt Servicing

What follows is an important memo from the IBS: 

As stimulus checks roll out, many Americans are faced with the troubling decisions of what to do with their newfound wealth. We have taken it upon ourselves to provide financial advice during this time of need with the following newsletter.

What do you mean, "Pit Viper, have you forgotten that emails are supposed to sell your product?" Pssh. I'm not stalling until next month's new product launch, YOU'RE stalling until next month's new product launch.

10 Things to Spend Your Stimulus Check On:

1: A Honda Elite ($750 - $1400)

Honda Ellite
Fuck Cars

2: One Night in This Irish Castle ($1401 but I bet you can talk Sean down a dollar)

Wilton Castle
Slutty Stable Boy Not Included

3: A Vasectomy for You and a Friend ($900 - $2000)

Vasectomy Time!
And Other Fun First Date Ideas

4: Money for Bail After You Try to Recreate the Ocean's Eleven Casino Heist At Your Local Dave & Busters ($1000)

oceans eleven
Show Me the Vault

5: A Shit Ton of Hedgehogs ($1400)

Hedgehogs
You Know You Want To

6: Your Favorite Streamer's Used Clothing Items ($690)

stocks
I mean. Um. Stocks.

7: A New Office Chair ($1,399.99)

New Chair New Me
Demand Respect and Authority when you return to the office

8: Two 5' Tall Black Bear Butlers ($1470)

bears
You're Rich Now. Act Like It.

9: 155 Bloomin' Onions from Outback Steakhouse ($1393.45)

Bloomin Onions
A Staple of American Culture Since 1988

10: $1400 Worth of Pit Vipers ($1400)

Make It Count With This 20% Off Discount Code: StimulateMe
CODE ACTIVE UNTIL MIDNIGHT MST
GO GO GO
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Pit Viper 159 W Haven Ave Salt Lake City, UT 84115

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