Important Information About Your Stimulus Check

What follows is an important memo from the IBS: 

As stimulus checks roll out, many Americans are faced with the troubling decisions of what to do with their newfound wealth. We have taken it upon ourselves to provide financial advice during this time of need with the following newsletter.

What do you mean, "Pit Viper, have you forgotten that emails are supposed to sell your product?" Pssh. I'm not stalling until next month's new product launch, YOU'RE stalling until next month's new product launch.

10 Things to Spend Your Stimulus Check On:

1: A Honda Elite ($750 - $1400)

2: One Night in This Irish Castle ($1401 but I bet you can talk Sean down a dollar)

3: A Vasectomy for You and a Friend ($900 - $2000)

4: Money for Bail After You Try to Recreate the Ocean's Eleven Casino Heist At Your Local Dave & Busters ($1000)

5: A Shit Ton of Hedgehogs ($1400)

6: Your Favorite Streamer's Used Clothing Items ($690)

7: A New Office Chair ($1,399.99)

8: Two 5' Tall Black Bear Butlers ($1470)

9: 155 Bloomin' Onions from Outback Steakhouse ($1393.45)

10: $1400 Worth of Pit Vipers ($1400)