savethemarriage

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "It’s a partnership. Right? Right? Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions. And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way. But trouble "

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "You've been working on saving your marriage... and you aren't seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn't moving as fast as you would like. Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want. But are there times that your efforts are doin"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right? (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple. I explain it in this episode/) Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress yo"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?" Several people told me they were still married, "

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be. There is an immediate proble"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "This may be the last thing you are feeling... but it should be first! What is it? Gratitude. Appreciation. Thankfulness. Here we are, staring right down the barrel at Thanksgiving (if you are in the States). And if you are caught in a marriage crisi"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now? Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few. What’s the theme? The immediate crisi"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage. I'm all about saving a marriage. But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved? No. First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that p"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions." Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time. Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there? Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether t"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes. And a crisis for many marriages! I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis. I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that. We see it ever"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful? That is often very normal. To a degree. It is entirely normal for people in regular, "

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes. Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know?? We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Hot and cold. That is often what I hear people describe. About their spouses. One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving. And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns. Distance and dread return. A"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "You’ve taken steps to save your marriage. And it seems to be working! Things are improving. The ice is melting. Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there. And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apol"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "We all do it. We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt. Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis. For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, "

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belie"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Roles. We all have them. We all play them. Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband." Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "au"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around... for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years??? I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazi"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right wit"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage. Then, they tell me about the current crisis: "my spouse doesn't love me/is having an affair/won't talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc." They want to so"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response. Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed. Sure, there is some"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages. Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage -- h"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy. But communication is m"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still "

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved. Yes, it is true. Not every marriage WILL be saved. I can't guarantee that. But I DO think there is a "reverse" guarantee. If your marriage is in trou"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "I'll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment. It is when your spouse says, "I don't love you" or that variation, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financia"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "You’ve been doing your best to work on your marriage… to resolve your marriage crisis. Then, you find yourself exhausted. You can’t find your focus. You wonder if you even care. The negativity creeps in, followed by hopelessness. Sound familiar? Tha"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "For lots of people, this past Monday could not pass fast enough. I heard from a number of people with struggling marriages that told me Valentine’s Day was just one more hurdle. Not a celebration of love, but a moment of further resentment and pain. Do"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "I remember saying to a couple on my couch, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!" They didn’t much seem to believe me. They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing"

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response: You Don’t! (Unless, of course, you want to damn "

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. posted: "At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success. But what I"