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Meet the finalists

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Meet the finalists
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americas next top scrodel
After receiving over 450 entries from hopeful contestants who didn’t realize what day of the year it was, America’s Next Top Scrodel is ready for its big finale: Having a good laugh at their expense.  The competition was stiff. As was the winkie in the one actual dick pic a determined contestant managed to send us despite the “Submit” button not allowing you to submit anything. Way to refuse taking “This is not a real contest” for an answer, Thomas M.!
In all honesty, the contestants provided some amazing answers in their applications. And despite the competition being a joke, it would be a shame not to share some of the best responses we received.   Contestant Questionnaire  What is your (or your significant other's) penis’ nickname?  Cocktimus Prime  Sir Fillup Captain Longdick of Goo Lagoon Coke Can Dan Chief One Nut Sascrotch Medium Matt Dwayne (because it's a big Johnson)  My favorite is “Coke Can Dan” because people always get so disappointed when their only choice in the bedroom is “Pepsi Can Stan.”
Why do you want to be a crotch model, specifically for Shinesty? If you are filling this out for someone else, please tell us why they would be a good fit.  “I would now have a legitimate reason to send underwear pics to my friends.”  “As a dad of two boys, all my crotch has done to this day is cost me time and money. It’s time it started pulling its weight around here.”  “I come from a long line (several generations) of people who were NOT Ball Models. It’s time to change the family legacy.”  “All honesty, haven't had the chance to buy a pair yet! I was in a few commercials and I'm interested in continuing the model path.”
Gotta say, pretty bold decision to admit you’ve never worn our underwear. Maybe the commercials stopped calling because “I haven’t had the chance to try this yet” is a terrible way to endorse a product.  What is it about your (or their) package that makes it so relatable to the average American man?  “Its ability to always rise to the occasion.”  “I have one twig and two berries, similar to most penis owners.”  “Its hard working, under-appreciated, and in desperate need of drugs to cope with everyday life.”  “Let’s just say, this package is shipped FedEx Ground and not USPS Priority.”
Ok I had absolutely no idea WTF that last guy is talking about so I did some research and have some theories: The weight limit for USPS Priority shipping is 70 pounds, whereas FedEx Ground’s limit is 150 pounds. So he could be saying that…his dick weighs 150 pounds? Is that supposed to be sexy? Because it sounds like a medical emergency. FedEx Ground takes 4 days to arrive vs USPS Priority’s 2 day shipping. So maybe he’s trying to say that his package “doesn’t come as fast.” But again, if it takes you 4 days to achieve an orgasm you might want to talk to a therapist because it sounds like there are deeper issues at play.  What are some reactions you’ve/they've received from lucky onlookers when they got their first peep at your/their talent?   "Can you make a balloon animal with that?"  “It’s squishy!”  “That’s gonna dislocate my hip”   “Looks like Gonzo.”  "Will it grow?"  “Mostly just my dog tilting his head when I’m changing.”
Yea, your dog is probably confused why YOUR tail is in the front.  Well that wraps up this season of America’s Next Top Scrodel. Thanks to everyone who entered, and thanks even more to everyone who didn’t.
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This extremely tasteful, hand-crafted, organic, non-gmo, vegan, gluten-free email was designed by Dain and written by Nate. Quick Poll: When you read “America’s Next Top Scrodel,” did you pronounce it “scraw-dull” or “skrow-dull”?

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