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There are few things more frustrating for parents than trying to get their kids to do things without having to be asked repeatedly or reminded constantly. Parents try many approaches to solve this problem, but those who have the most difficulty getting their children to cooperate generally fall into three categories.
Parents Who Do Not Follow Through With Consequences
Ineffective parents often give an order, wait to see if it will be carried out, and then hope they can think of a consequence. The most effective parents don't demand that their children do something until they've first decided what they'll do if the child doesn't accomplish the task. Times of frustration, disappointment, or anger are terrible times to come up with effective consequences that need to be delivered in calm, non-angry ways.
Parents Who Make Idle Threats and Reminders
Children know how to handle this kind of parent. Some simply don't comply. Some feel compelled to resist just to see if the parent will do anything about it. Some begin to comply but finish the job only halfway. Regardless of how the child responds, the parent ends up frustrated, and the child's feelings of responsibility and competence are damaged.
Parents Who Say, "Do It Now!"
Kids have a subconscious preference for this approach. They instinctively seem to know that a parent can never win this one. Knowing that a parent can't make them "do it right now" gives them a sense of power. Children who don't feel a healthy level of personal control learn that they can overpower adults simply by dragging their feet and saying through their actions, "You can't control me."
An Example
Here's how an effective parent might handle a situation when a child refuses to pick up the things in their room. First, never say, "Do it now" when a child refuses to do something. Instead, say, "I'd appreciate you picking up your room by 5:30 p.m. Thank you." After you've expressed that expectation, don't remind them.
If the task isn't done by the expected time, your youngster can learn that there are consequences for not cooperating. Keep the consequence a secret so it comes when it's least expected. At precisely 5:31 p.m., pick up the room and put the clothes and toys where they can't be found. When the child asks about the clothes or toys, say, "Oh, the clothes and toys? They didn't get picked up on time, so they're gone. Every time you do something helpful around here without being told, you can earn one of them back. It'll be fun to see what you decide."
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