Lemonade Wisdom: The Final Piece (Peace)

THE FINAL PEACE




I wrote this on July 9^th:

“I have probably seen Morro Rock hundreds of times in my life.
Today, it looked different.

For the past five years, I have a hard time driving Highway 1 to the coast. I hate driving by the jail, knowing that #JasonRobertPorter is sitting there, breathing the same air, and being so close (to my house).

Today around 2:30pm, I spontaneously announced to the girls that we were going to walk on the beach. In my head, I thought about how nice it would be to make the drive to the coast and not think about him…at all.

We were in the car at 3:30 and at exactly 3:33 PM, I had a call from a number that I did not recognize.

I never answer unknown numbers.

Something told me to answer it.

It was the notification that he had been transferred to prison.  

Today felt like the final piece (peace) of closure.

Good riddance.”

###
 
Then, on Saturday morning, I woke up to a message from Glenn that said, “Guess who woke up in Wasco State Prison?”

I still struggle to find a word that describes how I feel. “Validation,” is the closest word that I can find but as I've maintained, this is not how I wanted to be validated.

Words can’t do this justice –what matters is how I feel.

I “feel” at peace.  

For those who have followed my work, you know that I am big on staying off of a few different paths:  The “Should’ve,” “Would’ve” and “Could’ve” Paths - these are not productive paths for us to be on.

With that said, I do believe that reflection in a situation like this can be beneficial…if it is used in the right way. I have no desire to critique and analyze every move I made - there were definitely things I could have done differently. There are also some things that I did absolutely right.

• Choosing my battles wisely: overall, I give myself an “A” in this category however, I wish I could go back to the beginning because those were the days that I was not choosing my battles wisely and I was engaging more than I should.  Around year two, I would ask myself, “Self, will this matter in 3 years?” The shoes that he didn’t return, the time he was thirty-minutes late, on and on. Most of it just muddies the water and caused us to look like two grown adults who hated each other. It’s worth documenting, yes, but engaging – not worth it.

• The Narc Decoder: boy, do I wish I would have understood the language of the narcissist early on. Going through this type of battle and being forced to communicate with a terrorist is no easy feat. In the beginning, I personalized the attacks and I played right into his hands. Understanding the projection, the deflection, and finding humor wherever I could, would have been priceless.

• Being present for my daughters. I feel like I did a pretty good job in this category however, so much of their childhood feels like a blur to me. As I sit here in my office and watch the girls go off on a jog together, at 14 and 16 years old, I realize how little time I have left before they take flight and create their own lives.
  The girls and I were recently going through an old camcorder and my voice in the video was almost unrecognizable. I sounded like a radio DJ who smokes 5 packs of cigarettes a day. My daughter said, “Mom... You sounded so tired!” I was. I reflect back on those days and I was in survival mode. Representing myself, working a couple of different jobs and trying to hold everything together. I know that I was doing the best that I could in those moments, but I wish I would have set aside 15 minutes a day to just sit with them and talk. And listen. And be fully present.

• Grace: I would give myself a lot of grace, just like I am doing now. We have the reality of mom guilt, which is present even under the best of circumstances, coupled with the fact that our hands are tied by a broken system to do what nature intended for us to do: protect our young. What a shitty combination!

So, I am going to tell you what I am telling myself: you are doing the best you can, under the circumstances. There is no rulebook for this journey. When we know better, we do better. And when we stumble, we dust ourselves off and we try again. That's what this is about and that's what our children will remember.