|
Hi -,
The first time it happened, I felt surprised: I was discussing politics with a friend. Well, discussing is a gentle word; there were definitely elements of an argument there. He was trying to persuade me that his perspective was the right one. I was going to reply when I realized something tantalizing: I have zero interest in persuading him.
Like a snake, I was shedding the need to be right. The need to show that I know more, know better, and know how. Something in the internal motivational mechanism that drove that need was crumbling.
In a tug-of-war rope, sometimes the only way to stop losing energy is to stop pulling.
And just to be clear: I still enjoyed having the knowledge, or perspective, and being able to share it with myself and others - what dropped was the need to prove that MY argument is better, the right one.
As a ripple effect, this change spread to other moments in my life: arguments with family and friends, professional discussions and debates, and other situations where people show their knowledge. I didn’t care.
I remember a moment in which I was discussing/arguing with a friend over an educational approach towards our kids - I believe in firm boundaries while he advocated greater freedom for the child and looser boundaries. At some point during our debate, while each of us passionately delivered his arguments, I had a light-bulb moment of realization: I don’t care whether or not he agrees with me. I don’t care whether my approach is showing as the right one. I can let go. I no longer feel the need to win this argument. Wow, it felt incredible.
One of the strangest signs of growth is discovering that some of your old goals no longer feel worth pursuing.
There are a number of psychological elements involved in such a transformation of growth:
The first is the socioemotional selectivity theory (aren’t we great in psychology when it comes to finding big names for our theories :-). Research shows that as you age, you often become less interested in status and more interested in meaningful experiences and relationships. Boom, the motivational drive to be right is dropping naturally, like an overripe fruit from the tree.
The strongest person in the room is often the one who no longer needs to prove it.
Another psychological element is the development of our ego involvement. When we attach our identity to winning arguments (as most of us do from a relatively young age) we eventually crash into a wall of pain when our perspective is not winning or accepted.
There is also a strong element of intrinsic motivation (based on my own internal experience) vs. external motivation (based on others’ reactions). Earlier in life, we are often motivated extrinsically, by recognition, status, or validation. Over time, you discover that internal focus creates deeper satisfaction. This influences the need to prove ourselves to be the winners of an argument or discussion, because that need is extrinsic.
Freedom often begins where the need to impress others ends.
Detaching that element of winning from our identity is an incredibly freeing experience: You claim you know better? No worries, it’s perfectly fine by me. I’m good whether my approach is accepted as the “right” one or not.
Growing older is not only about learning what matters.
It is also about learning what doesn't.
Like a heavy backpack filled with stones, I abandoned this need along the road, moving on lighter, more free, in life’s journey.
|
