|
There is a belief that shows up often in psychology, self-help, and spiritual communities, and it can cause real harm. It is the belief that people are “attached to their pain.”
That if someone is still struggling, still stuck, still repeating a painful pattern, or still unable to move forward, it must be because some part of them likes the pain, wants the pain, or is choosing to stay in it.
But that is not what is really happening.
|
People do not stay in pain because they enjoy it.
|
When someone appears to be holding onto something painful, whether it is a behavior, a belief, a relationship, a coping mechanism, or a way of seeing the world, it is usually because some part of them believes they will be in even more pain without it.
Think about someone who stays in a relationship long after they know it is hurting them.
From the outside, it can be easy to judge them and say, “Why don’t they just leave?” But from the inside, the pain of staying may feel less terrifying than the pain of leaving. The loneliness. The unknown. The financial instability. The grief. The fear of starting over. The possibility that no one else will ever choose them.
|
They are not attached to pain. They are instead trying to avoid a pain that feels even bigger.
This distinction matters. Because when we tell someone they are attached to their pain, we often add to the pain they are already in. We make them feel more misunderstood, more alone, and more defective for not being able to simply “choose better.”
But what if the more useful question is not, “Why are you choosing pain?”
What if the better question is: “What pain are you trying to avoid by staying where you are?”
|
That question changes everything. It replaces judgment with understanding. It reveals the hidden reason the pattern is still there. And it opens the door to addressing the real pain underneath, instead of shaming the person for the strategy they developed to survive it.
This is one of the reasons Teal is hosting a free live online Q&A about pain this weekend. During this event, you’ll have the opportunity to submit your questions about pain for the chance to have Teal answer them directly.
|
