In today’s “Going Through It,” columnist Amy Rose Spiegel answers a particularly tricky question from a reader whose roommate, a friend from work, is having a really hard time. Unfortunately for the question writer, the hard time is manifesting in bad smells, unwashed dishes, lateness with the rent check, and — perhaps worst of all — an evil cat who steals any food that’s not nailed down. Amy Rose’s advice is compassionate and correct: “No more texting, no more setting meetings, no more adding even more looming dread and anxiety to something that’s already hard for your friend. (Anyone who has been depressed knows the misery of falling short like this.) Time to be really direct and clear.” I talked to Amy Rose about how I might have answered the question differently, and also how you know when it’s time to pull the plug.
I've been both of the people in this letter. And even so, I still think the letter writer has another option that you didn't offer in your (excellent, maximally actionable, deeply empathetic) advice. I would ask the roommate to move out. Why didn’t you go there?
I sense this letter writer isn't ready to make that request. She would see it (rightly) as all the more destabilizing to a friend who's already having a hard time, and she'd wonder if she'd been fair, given that she's been communicative about some, but not all, of her needs. I also think she'd want to point to clear requests for resolution if it did get to the point that the roommate couldn't make significant changes here, which is maybe not so far off, but which I don't think we've arrived at yet. I have, for the record, asked a friend, whose cat was intolerable, to pay rent or move out.
I see your point, but I also think the letter writer has a right to protect her own mental health, and being comfortable in your own home is a huge part of that. This isn't a best friend or a close friend — it's a "friend you know from work." And for me any one of these things would be a deal-breaker.
I differ from some advice columnists in the sense that I love saying "Just break up" when it comes to romantic relationships, plus cutting and running in many other scenarios. Being decisive in service of a better life is like high-fiving god. But I try to be judicious about when a circumstance doesn't warrant that.
What if being asked to move out is the "Whoa, my life has really spiraled out of control, it's time to Get Serious Help" wake-up call that this person needs? Sometimes helping a depressed friend can shade into codependency.
That's so fair, and I do think people are at real risk of letting that happen if they don't decouple the house issues from the "You need help" issues in how they address them. My answer asks the letter writer to share clear, solutions-focused boundaries. She will not be paying her roommate's rent or accruing late fees, let alone paying them. She won't be training hell's own feline. She can feel empathy for this person while needing the apartment problems to change. If the apartment problems do not change, she can and should find a different roommate.
Damn! You’re right.
