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I did it. I finished Dry January. I’m really proud of myself because in the past I’ve allowed myself a random day to drink for a celebration here or there and then tacked on days the following month to make up for it. But this month, I experienced birthdays, a national championship, NFL playoffs, parties, dates, and dinners all without booze. And I felt every single unfiltered emotion during all of it. I’m celebrating by having a Ginger Lemonade VYBES as I write this at a café. |
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I did it. I finished Dry January. I’m really proud of myself because in the past I’ve allowed myself a random day to drink for a celebration here or there and then tacked on days the following month to make up for it. But this month I experienced birthdays, a national championship, NFL playoffs, parties, dates, and dinners all without booze. And I felt every single unfiltered emotion during all of it. I’m celebrating by having a Ginger Lemonade VYBES as I write this at a café. |
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SARA'S WEEKLY VYBES - GINGER LEMONADE CBD |
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As I look back on this month and why it felt like such an accomplishment for me, I realized that a lot of it has to do with how I was raised and how I’ve then decided to live my life as an adult. Maybe I should have started this series with my personal background, but maybe I didn’t feel confident enough to share then. Now I do.
My sister sent me a meme the other day that said, “When someone asks you about your family and you’re trying to decide if you should tell them the Disney or the Jerry Springer version” attached to a picture of a confused Zach Galifianakis working out a math problem. My story isn’t quite that extreme, and what I’ll share is more like a talk show hosted by Andy Cohen vs Jerry Springer.
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As I look back on this month and why it felt like such an accomplishment for me, I realized that a lot of it has to do with how I was raised and how I’ve then decided to live my life as an adult. Maybe I should have started this series with my personal background, but maybe I didn’t feel confident enough to share then. Now I do.
My sister sent me a meme the other day that said, “When someone asks you about your family and you’re trying to decide if you should tell them the Disney or the Jerry Springer version” attached to a picture of a confused Zach Galifianakis working out a math problem. My story isn’t quite that extreme, and what I’ll share is more like a talk show hosted by Andy Cohen vs Jerry Springer.
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As a product of an (extremely) blended family with stepsiblings from multiple prior marriages and a sister from my mother’s longest marriage, I was a bit unmoored as a child and really looking to please whomever I could, whenever I could. The stepfather that raised me was harsh: former military, combative, and his first time raising a kid fulltime wasn’t his own (that would be me!). I went to a small private religious school in Georgia and was taught that disobeying authority on any level was a sin: something I was reminded of by a teacher when I once wore rainbow colored toe socks with my chapel skirt (a blatant uniform code violation). My younger days were full of schedules and routines – from tennis, basketball, track, and youth group during the week to chores and church on the weekends. Needless to say, I didn’t drink at all during high school and never went to a single party; my first boyfriend came senior year from a neighboring private school. I was a TEETOTALER. I was also completely miserable.
I remember when I graduated, kids were figuring how to stay close to home or room with a friend at a state school. I had applied to schools across the country in California and Colorado and ended up decided on a school 4 hours away where I knew no one. I wanted independence and freedom to figure out who the hell I was without someone telling me who I *should* be. I signed up for extracurriculars like rock climbing and crew, went to parties alone, and drank Zima. Those nasty wine coolers everyone else drank in high school helped me be talkative enough to make new friends in college. I’d say looking back that I had a typical college experience, but it was the first time I’d actually had a GOOD TIME.
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As a product of an (extremely) blended family with stepsiblings from multiple prior marriages and a sister from my mother’s longest marriage, I was a bit unmoored as a child and really looking to please whomever I could, whenever I could. The stepfather that raised me was harsh: former military, combative, and his first time raising a kid fulltime wasn’t his own (that would be me!). I went to a small private religious school in Georgia and was taught that disobeying authority on any level was a sin: something I was reminded of by a teacher when I once wore rainbow colored toe socks with my chapel skirt (a blatant uniform code violation). My younger days were full of schedules and routines – from tennis, basketball, track, and youth group during the week to chores and church on the weekends. Needless to say, I didn’t drink at all during high school and never went to a single party; my first boyfriend came senior year from a neighboring private school. I was a TEETOTALER. I was also completely miserable.
I remember when I graduated, kids were figuring how to stay close to home or room with a friend at a state school. I had applied to schools across the country in California and Colorado and ended up decided on a school 4 hours away where I knew no one. I wanted independence and freedom to figure out who the hell I was without someone telling me who I *should* be. I signed up for extracurriculars like rock climbing and crew, went to parties alone, and drank Zima. Those nasty wine coolers everyone else drank in high school helped me be talkative enough to make new friends in college. I’d say looking back that I had a typical college experience, but it was the first time I’d actually had a GOOD TIME.
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Interning and subsequently moving to LA was just another step in my disassociation from my past. I loved it here and made friends easily, because you realize when you’re not trying to please people with your behavior, you attract people that naturally like who you are. When I was younger, I felt I was “too much,” but now I was on the lower end of a behavioral spectrum: my inherent social tendencies were normal and perhaps even considered tame since I didn’t touch drugs. Spending the past 11 years in LA, it’s been easy to stay in a sort of “arrested development” by chasing the idea of fun that I first experienced at the start of my independence.
I’m considering now that some of the things I clung to as my right to a good time may have hindered my personal growth. (All together now, “DUH!”) But it’s been interesting to give things up as a choice and not a directive. I understand so much of my behavior as a habit, and those habits can be molded and changed into something more constructive and ultimately more conducive to personal freedom. I’m grateful that I was able to document this journey (thank you for reading) and reflect on the myriad of emotions I experienced: from panic and anxiety to joy and contentment. There’s a lot more work to do, but I’m up for the challenge.
-SARA
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Interning and subsequently moving to LA was just another step in my disassociation from my past. I loved it here and made friends easily, because you realize when you’re not trying to please people with your behavior, you attract people that naturally like who you are. When I was younger, I felt I was “too much,” but now I was on the lower end of a behavioral spectrum: my inherent social tendencies were normal and perhaps even considered tame since I didn’t touch drugs. Spending the past 11 years in LA, it’s been easy to stay in a sort of “arrested development” by chasing the idea of fun that I first experienced at the start of my independence.
I’m considering now that some of the things I clung to as my right to a good time may have hindered my personal growth. (All together now, “DUH!”) But it’s been interesting to give things up as a choice and not a directive. I understand so much of my behavior as a habit, and those habits can be molded and changed into something more constructive and ultimately more conducive to personal freedom. I’m grateful that I was able to document this journey (thank you for reading) and reflect on the myriad of emotions I experienced: from panic and anxiety to joy and contentment. There’s a lot more work to do, but I’m up for the challenge.
-SARA
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